Reading some interesting articles and thought this one spoke volumes.

Developing Social Skills and Relationships

By Betty Osman, Ph.D.

Learning to successfully interact with others is one of the most important aspects of a child's development, with far-reaching implications. Although most children acquire social skills by example, and possibly osmosis, research clearly suggests children with learning disabilities (LD) may have difficulty making and keeping friends. Adolescents with LD have also been shown to interact less with their peers and to spend more leisure time alone, addicted to TV, computer games, and the Internet. Certainly not all young people with learning disabilities experience social problems. Typically, the good athlete, class comedian, resident artist, or owner of the most magic cards, is likely to be accepted regardless of his learning issues.Then, too, some children, with or without LD, seem born to make life easy for parents -- and for themselves as well. They appear to develop social awareness early in life and, as they grow, display innately good "people skills"-- a sense of humor, a positive attitude toward life, and empathy for others, qualities guaranteed to win friends. But for many children and adolescents with LD, the lack of peer acceptance can become the most painful of their problems. Computers and calculators can help children with writing and arithmetic, but there is no similar technology to help them handle a lonely recess at school, a family outing, or a date. These require social competence. "Social competence" in this context refers to those skills necessary for effective interpersonal functioning. They include both verbal and nonverbal behaviors that are socially valued and are likely to elicit a positive response from others. Young people with social disabilities frequently are less able than others their age to figure out how to behave in social situations and less aware of how others respond to them. Therefore, they act without knowledge or regard for social consequences. Most, though, tend to be unaware of their role, perceiving themselves as the victims of others' mistreatment. Therefore, they take little responsibility for their actions, blaming others or simply "bad luck" for events in their lives. What they do feel, though, is an overdose of criticism from peers and adults alike. To help young people with social problems, it is important to understand on what level they are having trouble and how their social disabilities relate to their learning disabilities. The immaturity of many children with LD transcends academic areas, affecting their social adjustment as well. Communication skills, both verbal and nonverbal, also have social implications. Children who don't "read" body language and facial expressions well are likely to miss important signals in life that are apparent to others. To help children and adolescents develop social skills and promote social acceptance, parents might consider these techniques: ·         Listen to children with the "third ear," i.e., active listening, not only to the words they say, but the feelings they are expressing. ·         Initiate and practice pro-social skills at home, including: o    HHow to initiate, maintain, and end a conversation o    Tthe art of negotiation -- how to get what you want appropriately o    HHow to be appropriately assertive without being overly aggressive o    HHow to give and receive compliments o    HHow to respond to teasing by peers o    PPractice how to accept constructive criticism Although not all children and adolescents with learning disabilities have social difficulties, those who do require special understanding, not only in terms of their current functioning, but for the people they are capable of becoming. Although each young person is unique, all have the same needs — acceptance, approval, and a sense of belonging.

Intellectual Disabilities (or PWID)

What do you do when family members don’t care or understand the difficulties of having and being a person with intellectual disabilities? If someone looks normal they must be, right? It has been my experience relatives have little or no patience with pwids. They can become cruel and indifferent. I was always told that families stick together not so in mine. They truly do not comprehend the difficulties a sole provider has with being able to adjust to all the prejudices of the outside world including social, work environments, and family, it is just sad! My daughter has step family who will hardly acknowledge her, certainly won’t try to understand her and won’t give her the benefit of doubt. They expect her to process difficult and abstract reasoning without problems. They have formulated opinions based on hearsay. When was that ever ok?

Sound upset- I am? They live in their own little world sheltered by their own ignorance and force their opinions and thoughts on others. No one can do anything wrong it seems to be always the person with the disability. The person with a disability obviously has no moral fiber or does not understand right from wrong. Hog wash, the people I have known with intellectual disabilities, if anything have a higher sense of right and wrong, are more sensitive of others feelings, and believe in a almost naïve and innocent way no one would intentionally hurt them.

All I can say to those people is go ahead delude yourselves and miss the best part of experiencing life with a very different point of view, full of forgiveness, love, and joy. You don’t know what you are missing.

Intellectual Disabilities (or PWID)

Making decisions

Mom, what do I do now? Mom, is it all right if I …?  Mom, do you know where my…. Is? Sound familiar? My pwid is always asking for my opinions, thoughts, suggestions, or directions. Where is the confidence to make your own decisions?  My problems are with a child with intellect disabilities. It was very hard to trust her judgement, so I didn’t. The result was a person, who finds it difficult to make her own decisions, so now how do I fix that?

I sat down with her the other day and discussed with her options and how  I think she is ready to make her own decisions with no interference from me. Yipes!  But I think she is truly ready. She has proven to me she is more than capable, now to convince her!  One thing I have noticed is everyone learns at a different speed. My pwid had to realize the consequences of her decisions before she was able to take the full load of her choices. I do get concerned that it might be too late and that she is very comfortable in allowing me to make her decisions for her, but that was a chance I was willing to take. Forcing her to make her own decisions before she was ready could have been as detrimental as not letting her make them at all. We are starting out small. If she still feels uncomfortable making those choices we will discuss the consequences of those choices and what is she willing to accept. 

The more she chooses, the more confidence she will have making her own choices. The more successful she becomes , the more independent she will feel to go out and be the person she believes she can be.

Intellectual Disabilities (or PWID)

Friendships

Does your pwid have lots of friends does he/she go out and socialize or are they like mine, and find it very difficult?  Formative years- the years when you learn how to be a friend, eludes some people like my daughter. She was extremely shy, and not able to vocalize emotions or feelings other than inadequacies. She had what she thought was her best friend, who proceeded to tell everyone that came into her life about my pwid’s disabilities, which turned people against her. The same friend abused her physically, emotionally and took money from her. My daughter thought she was a very good friend and could not see the forest from the trees. No matter what I did or said she would not forsake her as a friend, simply, because she was her only friend.

It broke my heart, but as I said earlier we do not have the right to keep them from their hurts. Boy did I try.  In all my attempts to protect my child I failed. The hurts were like little tornados that set off a mixture of non acceptance, confusion, and self doubt, no wonder she clung to a “friend” that showed her any attention at all, even negative.  

Even for people without disabilities it is difficult to find a true friend. To find someone accepting of your Idiosyncrasies and to celebrate them with you is very difficult indeed. Boy does someone with disabilities have idiosyncrasies, so therefore one would assume that people with special needs have trouble finding someone. When she joined the group Pathways to independence, that all changed. Very slowly but it did. From her inverted self to reaching out, not being fearful of judgment, she faced those fears and moved away from people who used and hurt her.  We really owed them a lot. Things are changing with them and will modify the way they do things and I am hoping they won’t lose their ability to help people like Meaghan.  Meaghan has found friends that accept her for who she is, and accept, or not, her for who she is and not her disability. She still does not have many friends but neither do I. 

 

Good friends are a necessity of life, someone to share, laugh, cry, with, to share your inner most feelings, without repercussions.

 

Many people with disabilities do not have that precious gift or have an abusive one like my daughter had. I am very grateful for organizations that enable the ability of finding and keeping friendships. We would have been lost without them.

Intellectual Disabilities (or PWID)

Now that my daughter is 30 what am I going to do?

Sound familiar? Too many of us are getting older and struggle with what will happen when we pass on, go to the big house, kick the bucket or just die. The responsibility of your special child is daunting. I really don’t have anyone to take care of her when I die. My son has his own family and I think the imposition may be too great for them and I am not sure they truly understand her, which could be terribly detrimental to her and them. It is my job to help her achieve a certain level of independence, to the point where she could take care of herself.  She is doing well so far, we have achieved a lot.

She knows how to take care of the home, do laundry, and cook to the point she won’t starve.  We do have services available that will help her pay bills and do grocery shopping, etc.  She is in the process of learning how to drive and hopefully she will build up enough courage to do it. I try to rack my brain for all the things necessary to help her succeed. As it comes up I need to jot it down to help me.

What are the things lacking? Oh my goodness. Sometimes I find it is easier to do things than let her do it and she counts on that. Never do today what you can put off ‘til tomorrow, seems to be the motto of the day. We need to keep them motivated, easier said than done. We try to help our special children realize the best for themselves and try and try. Sometimes we are successful and sometimes not so much, but we can’t give up.

What about you? I would love to know what you are doing to get your charge ready for the life they will have without you!

Intellectual Disabilities (or PWID)                                            

Bullies

The one thing I truly love about my pwid is that she is so accepting and forgiving. She has had some horrific things happen to her and yet she keeps plugging away. She forgives things that people have done to her quicker than I think I would. Lovely, just lovely!  Does she ever become unreasonable and uncomely – yes!  But on the whole I am very proud of her.

In her formative years people just where downright mean.  They would make fun because they could, she was so naïve and innocent that they would tell her something false and laugh at her. Or they would hit her or assault her because they thought she wouldn’t notice or care. How ridiculous! In child hood there is no such thing as empathy.

I realize most people have to deal with difficult people, but people with disabilities expect more from people, shouldn’t we all. How do we stand next to our loved ones, support them when people are so heartless and ego centric. We do not have the privilege of taking away the hurts of our special ones. Yep the privilege! That is when we grow the most is when we are stretched to the furthermost degree. They have to find the courage to stand up for their selves, and to advocate for them self without hesitation. Interfering causes harm! It is very hard not to, believe me, I know from what I speak. I become a tiger lunging at anyone who looks wrong at her.  I did her no favors doing that, but we are making up for that now slowly but surely.

They learn how to deal with difficult people and what to take personally and what not to take personally. It is hard yes! They lose some of the innocence, some of the trusting, people rebel because they don’t understand, too bad.  Just think of your preteen losing her innocent with bullies, hard right? A child that has disabilities has to relive it over and over because of their short term memory. Just stand next to them and don’t coddle let them feel the pain, and while you’re heart is breaking, know that everything will be okay.

Intellectual Disabilities (or PWID)

Teaching organizational skills

Is your pwid organized? Not mine! I know she is very capable of it and sometimes she forges ahead and shows me she is, but seems to revert back. I believe it might have a lot to do with me. I am tired and don’t always practice good organizational skills. But to be most helpful to our pwid’s we must bear the cross and fix our own deficiencies. Being a parent or caretaker to a pwid is a lifelong commitment. We fortunately or unfortunately, however you look at it, have our child longer than the usual 18 years, usually long into adulthood, so we must be diligent always, no rest for the weary.

More to the point, how do we keep the interest in our charges to be organized? “Mom where are my ________ (fill in the blank), Mom have you seen my ________, I left them right here and somebody took them (looking at me)”. Sound familiar? Well, what and how do we change the situation? Start by getting yourself as organized as you want them to be. Yipes right? Really it is easier that way. (Speaking to myself here!) Hang hooks for keys. I created signs for what clothes to wear for work. She has that now, doesn’t need them anymore. Find spots for things, everything has a place and a place for everything. (Thanks Dad!) Start slowly. Find a good book on the subject, if you need and use it, don’t lose it. Remind and support your child in this. “You know you are standing right next to the wastebasket, please don’t throw trash on the table.”

“If you hang your keys up you won’t lose them”. Hang up your work clothes, the floor is not a closet.”

Boy I am feeling you here. Nothing seems to sink in right? It will, be patient and consistent. Just like when they were kids!